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Post by Deleted on Dec 12, 2017 6:02:20 GMT
Matt "Messiah" Dwyer and Jerry Bishop are in the Odeum Expo Center's Parking Lot, next to Matt's van to be precise. Jerry's reading Fantastic Four #1 while drinking a milkshake, and Matt's cradling his duct-taped but still very fragile guitar in his arms. Finishing his milkshake, Jerry looks up from his comic.
JB: Hey, Matt?
MD: Yeah?
JB: Sorry. Y'know, about the guitar and all.
MD: Eh, it's all good buddy. We got the job done, didn't we?
JB: Yeah, twice!
MD: Exactly. And that's all that matters. Besides, it wasn't her first time.
JB: How many times has your guitar broken because we hit someone with it again?
Ah, memories. Too many to count. Dwyer may not remember every match, promotion or opponent of his career, but he remembers every sweet, sweet guitar shot.
MD: ... Lots. Hate to say it, but the ol' girl might need to retire soon.
Jerry gasps in shock.
JB: Retire? But what are you gonna hit people with?
MD: More guitars, my dude. Preferably some a little sturdier.
Our two Friendmigos are approached by backstage correspondent and interviewer extraordinare, Dasha Banks.
JB: Hey Dasha!
MD: Ahoy.
DB: Hey guys! I've just got word from Jim Houston that apparently you two will face the Sons of Cerberus on Night One of the Shoot to Thrill Tour. Now as we've seen over the past few weeks, Cannibal and Hannibal make quite a dominant tag team and sit atop the tag team title picture at the moment. Obviously a win here would mean big things for the two of you, possibly including tag titles opportunities, but it's also clear to see they're not going to make anything easy for you. What's the game plan heading into this match?
MD: Well, those guys, they're big boys. Absolute hosses. We're more flippy guys, so we can't out-hoss hosses, Dasha. So if we can't out-muscle them...
Dwyer places a finger onto the side of his head, seemingly pointing at his brain.
MD: ... we'll out-intelligent them. Right, Jerry?
JB: Yeah! Smarts!
MD: And do you know how people get smart, Jerry?
JB: Utilising elongated vocabulary?
MD: Correctamundo.
JB: Excelsior!
MD: Excelsior indeed. However, we, referring to you, my companion, and referring to me, myself, cannot place reliance within extensive intellect alone.
JB: Concurred, my accomplice. Peradventure our own selves require artillery of a large mass as an alternative to physical robustness?
MD: A brilliant proposition. Post-haste, my chess piece surnamed ally, or we are risking losses to our antidisestablishmentarianism.
JB: Concurred a secondary indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. A major hit to our antidisestablishmentarianism could also lead to damage to our floccinaucinihilipilification.
MD: And if any damage were to come to our floccinaucinihilipilification, just think of what could happen to our pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!
JB: Not our pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!
MD: Promptly my Friendmigo, to a building or part of a building where goods or services are sold, with said goods or services being a stringed musical instrument, with a fretted fingerboard, typically incurved sides, and six or twelve strings, played by plucking or strumming with the fingers or a plectrum!
Dwyer, slowly but carefully, places himself and his guitar inside the van. Dasha just stares at the two Friendmigos, extremely confused.
DB: Well uh, hope that goes well for both of you.
JB: Why thank you!
MD: Jerry! Get your velocity equals mass squared divided by density divided by mass in here!
JB: Affirmative! Seeya, Dasha!
DB: Bye guys!
As Matt and Jerry drive off, Jerry can be seen waving at Dasha through the window. Dasha smiles and waves back. The two Friendmigos exit the parking lot and make their way to purchase a suitable guitar.
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Post by kingclutch on Dec 21, 2017 19:18:56 GMT
Dasha: Ladies and Gentlemen, my guests at this time: Clutch McCloud and Sir Richard Crowley. Clutch, this is quite a change for you: from fighting against Jeremiah Johnson to fighting WITH Jeremiah, what's that dynamic like?
Clutch: Well, Dasha, it's just like this: Jeremiah is one of the greatest pound for pound fighters in all of the world. And I am a Dynasty, the best you've ever seen on the hardwood. Greatness recognizes greatness. Johnson in Vegas, myself in Chapel Hill. Between the both of us, we have the experience of ten men and titles and accolades to show for it.
Crowley: A partnership between ourselves and Mr. Johnson will spell most certain doom for ANYONE that stands in our way. If Adam Thompson and MDE have good sense, they won't show up for their match tonight. Make no mistake about it, Pain & Gain will decimate, demolish, and destroy Thompson and MDE.
Dasha: Well, I imagine you two have some preparation to do, so I will leave you to it. Clutch, Sir Crowley, thank you for your time.
Clutch: (smiles to one side): You're welcome. (Clutch winks to Dasha before departing) |
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Post by marileeg17 on Dec 28, 2017 6:02:28 GMT
A short video package begins to air as part of a FB Live broadcast. It opens with a clip showing Bobby's last professional wrestling match, six months prior at Final Battle, where he lost his #1 contendership match for the world title and then snapped. The video then shows the aftermath as backstage, Bobby assaulted the referee who called the match, using his lead pipe and knocking the man unconscious. A headline from a Wrestlezone article then flashes across the screen..."Bobby O Fired from ROH, Possibly will Face Prison Time for Referee Assualt"The video then transitions to footage of the cops showing up at Final Battle and Bobby leaving in handcuffs. Re-created footage is also shown of Bobby in an orange jumpsuit as the prison gates close on his cell before the video fades to black...
"They say that prison changes a man," Bobby's voice says darkly as his face is still shrouded in shadows. "But what they don't tell you is that change isn't always for the better. For the past six months I've had time to think, to evaluate, to decide on my next move. A move that I thought had put wrestling in my past. But no one knows better than I do that the past has a funny way of catching up to you."
Bobby pulls out a letter and reveals it on screen.
"Dear Bobby," he reads. "I would like to invite you to take part in a two-night showcase pitting 50/50 talent against talent from the new Freedom Pro Wrestling. As a former 50/50 world champion and top star of the company, your presence would be much appreciated. Sincerely, FPW owner, Jim Houston."
Bobby balls the letter up and throws it across the room. He finally reveals himself to the camera.
"The past...It has always been my present. No matter how I've tried to escape what I am or where I come from, who I wanted to be and who I've ultimately become, it's followed me and this is no different. 50/50 led to one of the darkest times of my life. It led me on a path that I couldn't understand but one that I have come to embrace. 50/50 led to one of the darkest times of my life, but, as it turns out...I really like the dark.
Once again, Bobby's face goes back into the shadows and darkness as he continues to speak.
"I intended to put wrestling behind me for good but when I heard who else would be coming back, I had no choice," Bobby says dryly. "Jack Sevren...MDE...Nelson Quinn...A chance to take down all of my greatest enemies, well, almost all of them. I suppose it was too much to ask for that drunk son of a bitch to come back. Although, there are other ways to get revenge... But back to this PPV, this return to the world of professional wrestling. It would appear that my legend still carries some weight...Zeke, Adam Thompson, you've chosen to challenge me. You've chosen to make the biggest mistake of your lives."
Bobby once again shows his face and just smirks.
"See boys, the most dangerous man is one with nothing left to lose and I can promise you, I've already lost everything that had meaning to me. I have no morals to hold me back, no rules or regulations to keep you safe. So come December 31st, you'll learn why you're stepping into a battle that you can't win. But I suppose I can't blame you. You just know me by reputation. But there is another man who I've been in the ring with, a man who insists on making our past his present. M...D...E...
MDE, you aren't simply great, you are simply delusional. The man who beat you was just that, a man. He was a soldier in someone else's war, a war that costs him dearly. But I don't fight the wars of other men anymore. I fight my own battles and I don't lose. You claim to need to beat me, to close the book on that chapter... I accept your challenge. Just know that the man who you are stepping into the ring with is not the same foe you faced once before. That Bobby is gone and so is your chance for closure. But this Bobby, he'll be happy to give you the closure that will be the end of your career."
Bobby laughs darkly as he faces the camera one last time, tapping his signature lead pipe against the floor.
"Zeke, December 31st will be your last and MDE, Thompson, you won't be starting 2018 on a positive note. Wrestling had rid itself of it's most destructive entity but thanks to FPW, he's back and I promise he will be making the most of it."
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2017 4:02:06 GMT
(Fade In. Plaid Dad, as played by Jordan Peele is in the LIVING ROOM looking at pictures from his past.)
Plaid Dad: Hmmmm....
(Enter Plaid Dad's eldest son, MUFFIN,as played by Tracey Morgan.)
Muffin: Dad! What are you doing!?
Plaid Dad: I'm just looking through this old photo album.
(Muffin looks over Plaid Dad's shoulder.)
Muffin: Dad! You're wearing plaid in every picture!
Plaid Dad: That was the style at the time.
Muffin: How about here?
(Muffin points to a picture)
Plaid Dad: That was the snow! It was cold and I needed to stay warm!
Muffin: And there? Is that you at the beach?
Plaid Dad: Plaid and sand go well together! Son, I'm going to call the police on you if you keep looking over my shoulder and violating my rights.
Muffin: Dad...that's too much plaid!
(Cue theme song)
Whatever happened to the plaid shirts on TV,
The grunge look, that Nirvana had,
When he sang, "Rape Me"
You get a girl preggers and then you miss your friends, just around the bend,
Ain't no thiiiiiing,
Its what we ha-ad,
Now all we've got,
Is this fucking Plaid Dad.
Announcer: Plaid Dad is shot in front of a live studio audience.
(Muffin and Plaid Dad are on opposite sides of the living room. Muffin has a pillow, Plaid Dad has a handful of knives)
Plaid Dad: Respect my personal space, Muffin! I don't care if you're my son! I will end your pathetic life!
(Plaid Dad throws a knife, it bounces off Muffin's pillow)
Muffin: Dad! It's not me you're mad at! It's the war!
Plaid Dad: You think I watched my friends explode to be told what I can and can't wear by my shithole shitstain shitbreath son!?
Muffin: Dad! You can wear plaid! You can wear plaid!
(Muffin is in tears. HARRIET TUBMAN DAD, played by Ellen Paige, enters from the kitchen, she has some chips and salsa)
Harriet: Muffin. Stop antagonizing your father.
(Plaid Dad throws a knife that Muffin nearly misses)
Muffin: Mom! Please help!
Harriet: He'll tire himself out eventually. In the meantime, I'll put some chips and salsa out for you boys.
(Cue audience laughter. Wait as they laugh for a few more throws. Harriet watches unenthusiastically.)
Harriet: He's only throwing to scare you, Muffin.
(Harriet grabs the pillow from Muffin)
Harriet: See, when he throws, you can launch them back with the pillow.
(Harriet bounces a shot back)
Muffin:Great shot, mom. Can you show me another?
Plaid Dad: You can get this pillow blocking bitch to help you! I'm wearing plaid you shitwallowers!
(Muffin crosses to the chips and salsa, he lays on the floor and eats them. Harriet blocks a few more knives)
Muffin: Mom! Can you try not to get any knives in the salsa!?
(Plaid Dad stops throwing knives and breaks down crying)
Plaid Dad: I'm so sorry! I don't know what happened to me! Why!? Why do I do this!? I just blacked out!
(Angel, the young daughter played by South African Supermodel Chante Holloway, enter wearing high heels and a bikini)
Angel: Dad! Did you have another PTSD fit?
(Plaid Dad, Muffin and Harriet look around the room)
Muffin: No, this is just the way dad gets when his shafts catch up with him.
Angel: Muffin, shut the fuck up you pussy ass bitch! Mam up next time and put a sleeper hold on him like I do.
(Muffin starts choking on a chip. Angel picks him off the floor and gives him the heimlich. Muffin spits a chunk of chip out)
Angel: I do everything around here! Why can't you do anything, Muffin!? You're a useless piece of shit!
(Slow zoom in on Muffin as he contemplates what he contributes to the family. Cut to commercial)
Sponsors: Ugly Baby Hats; Johnsons 4 Johnsons dating app; Liquid Diet.
(Return from commercial. Muffin is in a dojo of some sort. People are practicing martial arts)
Muffin: Excuse me. I came here to find out how to put a sleeper hold on my old man!
(The action stops. A figure walks out from behind the paused martial artists. Sensei Noticeme, played by Jeremiah Johnson, emerges. Hold for audience cheer)
Sensei: So you want to learn how to put someone in a sleeper hold? I can teach you how to put someone in a sleeper hold!
Muffin: It's my dad. Most of the time he's cool, but sometimes he just...
(Sensei looks at Muffin intensely)
Sensei: Say no more!
(Cut to the living room. Plaid Dad is reading the paper. Angel enters in a bathing suit and heels, Plaid Dad watches her walk across the room and up the stairs)
Plaid Dad: What a well behaved daughter.
(Muffin enters through the front door)
Muffin: Dad! It's time for me to become a man!
Plaid Dad: Finally son! Your sister just went upstairs! I'll get the video camera to document the occasion.
Muffin: What the fuck!? It's time for you to feel the wrath of someone stronger than you!
Plaid Dad: What the hell are you saying son!?
(Sensei breaks through the front door wall. Plaid Dad is confused. Sensei breaks Plaid Dad's arm then throws him through the couch. Sensei picks up Plaid Dad and throws him through a wall. Sensei looks down at the photo album)
Sensei: That guy wears too much plaid.
Still frame. Cue credits)
Pan back from the TV. Jeremiah Johnson sits in a recliner, he switches off the television and sighs. Johnson addresses the camera.
"That was the worst experience I've ever had. I'm going to take it out on Adam and company. Because sometimes you just need to destroy something."
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2018 20:22:23 GMT
December 24th, 2017.
Sammich Zone, Chicago, Illinois.
9:42 AM.
We see Matt’s van outside Sammich Zone. Camera cuts to inside the van, and it appears that our dynamic duo consisting of Jerry “The Jester” Bishop and Matt “Messiah” Dwyer have just finished breakfast.
Jerry, using a napkin, removes all remnants of his sammich from his monocle-clad face before speaking like only one of his high intellect could.
JB: Ah, a satisfactory meal eaten in the morning, the first of the day by the way. My companion, what is the current indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole at this moment?
Dwyer whips out a pocket watch from thin air and brings it up to his eye, also sporting a monocle.
MD: 126 of a numerator over 180 of a denominator percentages on the eighth in the anti meridiem.
JB: And how much length of the space between two points have we, referring to you, my companion, and me, myself, produced?
Camera cuts to a view of Sammich Zone Chicago, zoomed out a little more. On the other side of the road the Odeum Expo Center can be seen.
MD: A fair amount.
JB: Make haste for London?
MD: Indeed.
Dwyer puts his foot to the gas pedal, and our dynamic duo’s roadtrip resumes.
MD: Ally, break open the diagrammatic representation of an area of land or sea showing physical features, cities, roads, etc. for me.
JB: Affirmative.
Jerry grabs a folded sheet of paper out of the glove compartment, and unfolds it.
And unfolds it.
And unfolds it. He continues this until it’s completely unfolded and covering the entirety of the windshield. The paper is, in fact, a large map of the world. Jerry, using a sharpie, tries to draw an X on their destination, but can’t figure out exactly where he has to put it. He places it at the very bottom of the map. Dwyer makes a U-Turn, and they continue on their way.
Jerry, as if he’s just realised his mistake, scribbles out the original mark and puts a new one on the same continent, but to the left. Dwyer veers to the right.
Jerry examines his new mark, and still thinks it’s a little off. He goes to draw another but is stopped midway by someone in the back seat taking the sharpie from him. They place a new mark, this time not in Antarctica. It’s right on London, England. Jerry turns around to thank them.
JB: Thanks, Cole!
Jerry turns back to the map. Realising that Cole wasn’t in the van when they departed, Jerry jumps in shock, knocking off his monocle.
MD: Jerry, your intelligence!
Dwyer looks down to retrieve Jerry’s eyewear, taking his eyes off his already obscured vision of the road, veering the car into a completely different direction. Dwyer looks back up and sees Cole. He too jumps in shock, dropping both Jerry’s monocle and his own.
MD: Cole, what th- how di... more importantly, what in the hell is that?
Dwyer points right at the Bullet Club merch TJ currently has on. He pokes it, and is surprised to find his finger go through Cole like air. Cole laughs, but neither Matt or Jerry look too amused.
TJ: Relax, I haven’t turned on you again. Yet. I’m just the Ghost of Friendmigo Past.
JB: Pardon?
GTJ: TJ, from the past. Just left 50-50, now in the BC. You guys are intellectuals, right?
JB: The intellectualest.
GTJ: Then surely you’ve got to realise just how, y’know... stupid Friendmigoship is?
Matt and Jerry stare at Cole with nothing but pure, concentrated disgust on their faces.
GTJ: Now I’m sure you’ve got some sort of lengthy rebuttal to that but just hear me out here, okay?
Bishop and Dwyer are too appauled for words, so Ghost Cole just assumes that means “Continue”.
GTJ: Listen, I know you guys. You’re serious competitors, proficient in both singles and tag competition, and both of you have a history of classic matches. But you guys can do better than driving aimlessly while an absurdly sized map covers your vision of the road.
Camera cuts to a cliff above the ocean. The van drives off of it.
GTJ: Do you guys even know where you’re going?
JB: Yeah, London.
GTJ: No, like the way you-
Splash. The van is in the ocean. The van drops to the sea floor and continues driving.
GTJ: What the hell was that?!
Cole looks out the window. A fish swims past.
GTJ: You guys are literally driving across the bottom of the ocean right now.
MD: Driving? On the bottom of the ocean? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, Cole.
GTJ: This is exactly what I’m talking about! You guys are talented, both of you, but this kind of idiocy is going to get you both killed, if not now, eventually. You guys have potential. When I left all this absurdity behind, I went from indy rookie to megastar in an instant. Surely you guys noticed?
Matt and Jerry say nothing.
GTJ: Look, I’m just saying that nobody’s gonna take you seriously if you don’t take yourselves seriously. And Friendmigoship’s not gonna help you there.
MD: That’s great, Cole, just one question.
GTJ: Sure.
MD: How come when I poked you my finger went through you, yet you’re not going through the van even though I’m flooring the gas right now?
GTJ: ... I-
The Ghost of Friendmigo Past goes through the back of the van faster than he can get an explanation out. Matt and Jerry watch TJ through the rear view mirror, getting further and further out of sight until he disappears, not from getting out of their vision, but simply vanishing into the air. Or water.
MD: *mocking* C'mon guys, take yourselves seriously! Maybe if you stopped all this stupidity you'd win more championships! Quit driving that goddamn van underwater!
Jerry laughs. Matt chuckles.
MD: Really, who knew TJ was such a William Graves?
JB: Ooh! I think we're almost there!
MD: Alrighty, lemme just put the brakes on:
Dwyer does so. Camera cuts to a beach. People surfboarding, sunbaking, kids making sandcastles, everybody's having a great time. We cut to the beach's lifeguard tower. Troy Tristan, Head Lifeguard, is scoping out the waters through a pair of binoculars. We have no idea what exactly he is looking at, but he is looking like an absolute hunk. Completely unrelated to the story, but true. *ahem* Our Head of Lifesaving suddenly spots what appears what appears to be a large object moving quickly through the water.
TT: Oh my god... we need everybody off this beach!
He says to nobody in particular. His colleagues must be on lunch break. Nevermind, Troy Tristan preps all the gear he needs to save lives and runs out there.
Our dreamy one man lifesaving team full-on Baywatch Runs to the beach. Within half a minute he's got everyone out of the water, off the shore and a safe distance from the beach. This is mostly because the majority of today's beachgoers were women, who ran up to meet him as soon as he started running down.
Most of our former beachdwellers are confused. The object is coming dangerously close to the shore now. Troy warns everyone to keep calm and stand back. The object emerges.
Matt's van jumps out of the water and turns, sliding until it stops just before all that were evacuated. Jerry pulls the map off the windshield.
December 24th, 2017.
Real Beach, London, England.
4:27 PM.
JB: We made it!
MD: That we did, Friendmigo!
Troy stands in horror as our dynamic duo step out of the vehicle. He walks down to confront the Friendmigos.
TT: What the hell?! How did you eve- I don- You jus-
Troy takes a moment to collect himself, instead of trying to speak while completely baffled. Jerry notices a starfish on the van's left indicator. Bishop peels it off and returns the starfish to the ocean.
TT: I'm gonna-
MD: You'll what? This isn't even a real beach, you've got no power over me.
TT: Wha-
Dwyer superkicks Troy. Mid-drop, Troy’s wig falls off. It was James Ellsworth playing the part of a lifeguard on a fake beach the entire time. James lands on the sand face down. He gets up almost instantly, and faces away from the camera and towards the also fake beachgoers. They all swoon. James turns to the camera. His chin has swollen to Jay Leno sizes. James “The Chin” Ellsworth catches a glimpse of his new look in the windshield’s reflection. Now looking like Handsome Squidward, he breaks into tears of joy.
Matt and Jerry return to their van and leave the faux beach.
JB: So where's that guitar shop we're going to again?
MD: London Bar and Guitar, and it's real close from here. Apparently it's got the heaviest playable guitar in the world.
JB: And that'll help us take care of the Sons of Cerberus if need be!
MD: Buddy, a weapon like that can take care of anyone who bothers us, ever.
JB: Huzzah!
Bishop and Dwyer pull up at their destination. Just as the name implies, it’s a mixture of both a bar and a guitar shop. They enter, and everybody stares at them, less out of disgust and more out of fear.
JB: Matt? Why is it that it seems like everyone here knows you?
Matt has a 50-50 Flashback. A drunk patron pokes Dwyer. Superkick. The bar changes, and somebody else is bothering Matt. Superkick. This occurs again. Superkick. Superkick. Superkick. Superkick. Superkick. Superkick.
The bouncer comes up to Dwyer. Superkick. We cut outside. William Graves has had to actually call 50-50 Staff to pull Matt out of there. They get him out the door. Dwyer slips through. Superkick. Dwyer runs. Graves just stands there with his head in his hands.
We come back to reality. Dwyer just shrugs. After scanning the bar, they finally come across a section filled with guitars. Matt and Jerry start looking.
JB: So, what’s it look like?
MD: Big.
JB: Got it!
Jerry pulls out an absolutely massive guitar. Dwyer checks it out. Matt smirks. It was even better than the pictures. Best part? It was still playable, despite it’s size. Satisfied, they take it to the counter. The cashier looks right at Dwyer. Dwyer looks back, and sees a familiar face. The cashier recognises him too. Camera pans to look at his nametag. It reads “Trev”.
50-50 Flashback. We’re about to have a bar fight, mostly because some guy won’t shut the holy bloody fuck up about Matt Dwyer losing to TJ Cole the night before. The man suggests he could take Dwyer. His friend eggs him on, telling “Trev” to “fuck him up”.
Superkick. Dwyer throws “Trev” out the door.
Return. Trev looks absolutely furious. Matt and Jerry probably aren’t getting that guitar. Trev grabs another guitar near him and swings at our dynamic duo. He misses. Noticing they’ve left the massive guitar on the counter, he tries to pick it up. Dwyer superkicks him. Matt and Jerry make a hasty getaway out the back.
The two Friendmigos enter an alleyway.
JB: Sorry we couldn’t get the guitar, Matt.
MD: Hey, don’t worry buddy.
?: Yes, it’s not like it would’ve helped you anyway.
They take a look at the voice. It’s Lecter Manson.
LM: Behold, the Ghost of Friendmigo Present. A friendly reminder of all the struggles you face right at this very moment, and will face very soon.
The ghost walks closer to them.
GLM: You two are obvious underdogs against my Sons of Cerberus, correct? Of course. They’re bigger, stronger, better and less... Friendmigoey. Do you two think you have a place in this division?
Ghosts Cannibal and Hannibal walk up behind Lecter. They look much bigger than usual, as what simply looked large was now the size of mountains.
GLM: Did you think you could take on giants and slay them with a guitar?
He laughs.
GLM: You have no place in FPW let alone the tag division if you keep all this Friendmigoship up. There are people that are ten times as talented that take themselves seriously. How will either of you have any chance against the Sons of Cerberus, The Invaders or even Anarchy? You don’t. This division is red hot and overflowing with talent. And we neither want nor need your kind taking part in it.
In an instant, the Ghosts of Friendmigo Present disappear. Matt and Jerry still stand somewhat shocked, at least until they remember they were making a getaway. Dwyer and Jerry hop back into the van and drive off again.
JB: ... We headed to the arena now?
MD: Yep.
JB: Ooh, we still have to hang up the Christmas decorations!
Bishop and Dwyer arrive at the Coronet Theatre.
December 24th, 2017.
Coronet Theatre, London, England.
6:27 PM.
The dynamic duo walk into the theatre with fucktons of decorations.
JB: Okay, so if we split up, I think we’ll have this done by about 8 at the most!
They do so. Matt and Jerry get to work in their own areas. We cut to Dwyer. He’s admiring the Christmas tree he’s just decorated. Matt walks in with a bag on tinsel to find Matt standing there. Tinsel Matt is baffled, and Tree Matt laughs.
MD: Let me guess, the...
GMD: Ghost of Friendmigo Future. Yep.
MD: And why are you here?
GMD: I want you to take everything negative in your life and throw it away.
MD: What?
GMD: Drop all the dead weight. Get rid of the Jester.
Cut back to Jerry. He’s running around, throwing tinsel anywhere and everywhere while Ghost Jerry just looks at him.
GJB: You’ve got a tag match with Sons of Cerberus next week, and you’re wasting your time with this?
JB: Yup!
GJB: Don’t you have anything better to do?
JB: Nope.
GJB: Alright, how about I give you something to do?
JB: Um, sure!
GJB: Get rid of the Messiah for me.
Cut back to Matt.
MD: And just why would I do that?
GMD: Matt, both you and I know that you’re a singles star at heart. Sure, you like Friendmigoship and you like the Friendmigos, but you’re a serious world title contender!
MD: Oh for-
GMD: Listen, I know you’re sick of people telling you to be serious. But it’s what we need. This doesn’t mean you can’t be the Messiah everybody knows and loves, but it does mean you’ve got to get your priorities straight.
MD: And what are my priorities?
GMD: You, Yourself, and Matt “Messiah” Dwyer.
Cut back to Jerry.
JB: But... I don’t wanna do that...
GJB: It’s for the best. Take a look at me. I’m a direct reflection of you, if you choose to end Friendmigoship.
We get a good look at Ghost Jerry. He’s ditched the domino mask for a something a little more sinister, and now looks much more like a supervillain rather than the hero he used to be.
JB: I don’t know if-
The lights dim. They brighten again, and Jerry along with his spectral future counterpart are sitting at the heads of a table that could possibly seat 6 more people.
GJB: Ahem.
Phantoms of Yoshiki Sakimoto, The Grand Master, Seth Row, Abdul bin Hussain, Nelson Quinn and a man wearing a black mask appear and take their seats at the table.
GJB: Most of you are already familiar with... me, but anyway: Enemigos, Jerry. Jerry, Enemigos.
Cut back to Matt.
MD: What do you take me for, some selfish prick?
GMD: Considering I am you, and also am a selfish prick... sure.
MD: No, I’m not turning on anyone.
GMD: C’mon Matt! Wait, do I have to be a little more persuasive?
Ghost Dwyer turns a full 360 degrees, and now has a great, gold championship belt on his waist.
GMD: Eh? How about that? You’ve always wanted to be World Champion! But wait, there’s more:
Ghost Dwyer takes off the strap to reveal the FPW World Championship.
GMD: Huh?
Ghost Dwyer takes off the strap to reveal the NWA World Heavyweight Championship.
GMD: Huh?
ROH World Championship.
GMD: Huh?
IWGP Heavyweight Championship.
GMD: Huh?
WWE Championship.
GMD: Huh? Dwyer, you’re swimming in gold!
Matt keeps quiet.
GMD: So, wrestling gold isn’t enough.
An absurdly large bag of money falls behind Ghost Matt.
GMD: Oh, what’s this? That’s your paycheck, buddy. All ten fucking figures. And you’re working Lesnar dates too!
Matt remains silent. Ghost Dwyer sighs.
GMD: What, fame and fortune do nothing for you? Fine.
Ghost Matt snaps his fingers. CJ Holmes appears out of thin air and next thing you know she and Ghost Dwyer are full-on frenching. They stop, and CJ fades away. Ghost Matt laughs as it looks like he’s finally sparked Dwyer’s interest.
Cut to Jerry.
JB: E-enemigos?
GJB: The most dominant faction in the entire wrestling world. The most destructive men in this industry bound by one goal: Pain. Let me introduce them to you one by one.
Yoshiki stands.
GJB: Yoshiki Sakimoto. The War Machine. One of the most prominent wrestlers in the world, but nothing to show for it. No matter how many instant classics he had, how many PWI 500 spots he went up each year, how much brutal, bloody destruction he left in his wake, he was left bitter by never winning a championship. I promised him all the gold he wanted if he joined me. I delivered, and he’s been loyal ever since.
Yoshiki sits. The Grand Master stands.
GJB: The Grand Master. I found him in America, working as a... *shudders* ... comedy wrestler.
The Grand Master looks somewhat ashamed.
GJB: Thankfully, he has been reformed. I offered him the chance to be the name he once was, and now he is oh so much more.
The Grand Master looks proud, and sits. Seth Row stands.
GJB: Seth Row. The Punisher, and our most recent recruit. After being taken out for nearly a year in 50-50 and even longer in Rising Phoenix, he became tired of being put on the shelf, opting to take everyone else out instead. He’s been loyal for only a short time, yet has already produced results.
SR (whispering to self): *wipes a tear of happiness from his eye* Row’s finally fucking going over.
GJB: Ahem.
Seth Row sits. Abdul bin Hussain stands.
GJB: Abdul bin Hussain. The Butcher of Basra. After being deported from every continent except one, he was left to freeze to death and wrestle penguins in Antarctica. At least, that’s what we found him doing. I pulled some strings in exchange for his allegiance, and here we are.
Abdul sits. Nelson Quinn stands.
GJB: “Ingobernable” Nelson Quinn. As you know, a man who does and says as he pleases. We found him with Los Ingobernables de Japon when we took over New Japan. He quickly pledged his loyalty, and was crucial in taking down most of Japan’s factions.
Quinn sits. The Masked Man stands.
GJB: Finally, we come to a man who’s been loyal to this cause and loyal to me since the very beginning of all this. Jerry, meet Mal Hombre... or as you call him, Super Che.
Jerry gasps in shock.
MH: Mucho tiempo sin vernos, Bufón.
[Long time no see, Jester.]
Cut to Matt.
GMD: The one that got away? Caught! That, and any other woman you could ever want. And if that’s still not enough? Check this:
A metric fuckton of albums (all with Matt’s face on them) appear.
GMD: This is your discography.
Grammy Awards, MTV Video Music Awards, Billboard Music Awards, MTV Europe Music Awards and Gold, Platinum and Diamond
Records appear.
GMD: These are your accomplishments.
The scene changes to a house’s living room. We quickly find that this isn’t an actual living room, and is instead a set in front of a live studio audience.
GMD: This is your TV Show.
The theme plays.
♪ Matt Dwyer Show
It’s the fucking Matt Dwyer Show
This is the show about Matt Dwyer
It’s the bloody fucking Matt Dwyer Show
And we don’t have special guests here only Matt Dwyer
It’s the fucking Matt Dwyer Show
Matt
Fucking
Dwyer
Show~ ♪
Ghost Dwyer superkicks the front door and walks into the living room.
GMD: Fuck’s sake, Dad! That’s too much plaid!
Superkick to Plaid Dad. The audience is in hysterics. Ghost Matt gets a standing ovation. He takes a bow, and we return to the Coronet Theatre.
GMD: Hold on, watch this.
Ghost Dwyer is now on the phone to somebody.
GMD: It’s Matt. Yeah, I got it. And if I don’t get that extra figure tomorrow, I’m out.
Vince McMahon appears out of thin air, on his knees, begging Matt to stay. He hands Ghost Matt an even more absurdly sized bag of money.
GMD: Good. Now get on your hands and knees, like a dog.
Vince does so.
GMD: Now bark.
VM: ... borf?
GMD: Now fuck off with you.
Vince vanishes.
Cut to Jerry.
JB: Che? How could you? How could I? How could we?
SCJ: Bufón, no te odio. Pero odio ser una broma, y eso es lo que Friendmigoship era.
[Jester, I don’t hate you. But I hate being a joke, and that’s just what Friendmigoship was.]
GJB: Are you blind, Jerry? Those same people you fight for, the same people you claim believe in you say it’d take two miracles and then some for you to beat the Sons of Cerberus, let alone win the Tag Titles. You’re a joke Jerry: At least that’s what they think. But I’m not a joke. We’re not a joke. This is about proving everybody who has no faith in you wrong, just like what you always wanted to do. Show them you’re no underdog. Take over the wrestling world, and give them a reason to see you’re the favourite to win the fight, everytime. You only have to do one thing to make the biggest impact you can: drop the Messiah.
JB: But what happens to Matt?
GJB: He never tastes even one drop of greatness ever again. That is, if he even keeps wrestling. But what do you care?
JB: What about everyone else?
GJB: Davey, Azrael and Cole all meet the same fate.
JB: I don’t want that.
GJB: Why, Jerry?! This is your one big opportunity to make your mark, and you’re gonna sit there and wait for them to drop you?
JB: They wouldn’t drop me.
GJB: Whatever you say: but Matt’s talking to his Ghost of Friendmigo Future right now. He could be after your head as we speak.
Jerry sits silent, contemplating that thought. He thinks of all the memories he and Matt have shared. Their first meeting in 50-50. Matt’s induction into the Friendmigos. Them helping Che save Valentine’s Day. 50-50 vs AOA. Them reunited in RPF. Them reunited again in FPW. The roadtrip to get here. The bar fight. As he recollects all this, he speaks again.
JB: If I know Matt like I think I know him, he’s declining just the same as I am. He’s the most Friendmigoey person I know, and wouldn’t tear the team apart for anything.
Cut back to Matt.
GMD: How’s that? You can raise those figures more anytime you want to, by the way. You’re finally the megastar you always wanted to be, Matt. Not just in pro wrestling, but in entertainment in general. You’re a household name, and possibly the most famous man on the planet. But this? All goes away if you let Jerry take you out. And he’s talking to his Ghost of Friendmigo Future right now. You have to strike first Matt!
MD: Piss off. Jerry’s not pulling anything anytime soon. If I know him like I think I do, he’s disgusted that somebody would even suggest he split us up. He’s the most Friendmigoey person I know, and I don’t know what this other ghost’s offering, but he’s not the type to just give up, ever.
GMD: Are you fucking serious? You’ve got anything you could ever possibly want staring at you right in the face, right within your reach of grasping, and you’re just going to disregard it all?
MD: Yup. Besides, I’m sick of trying to be some sort of superstar. I’ll tell you my priorities: I’m a Friendmigo first and foremost. This ring?
Dwyer points to a cereal ring on his finger. It’s the ring worn by all Friendmigos.
MD: It’s my life. The opportunity to be an inspiration, role model and hero to others instead of being the old self-absorbed Dwyer means everything to me. It might look stupid to you, but it’s most bad-ass thing in the world to me.
Ghost Matt yawns and rolls his eyes.
GMD: You can’t stop fate, Dwyer. This’ll all be yours, someday Dwyer... whether you want it or not.
Ghost Dwyer puts his shades on. Same old aviators he’s laways worn, except they read “Fuck You” on the lenses. He finally dissipates. Matt immediately goes to find Jerry. Cut to Jerry.
GJB: Are you telling me you’d give up the accolades and respect you’ve always deserved for what, a stupid cereal ring and an anchor of a best friend?
JB: I will. The ring stands for hope, that no matter what happens, we’ll reach the top of the mountain someday– as long as we keep climbing. My Friendmigos aren’t anchors, me. They’re the greatest men I’ve ever met and had the pleasure of stepping into a ring with. I couldn’t ask for better company than what I’ve got... and quite honestly, I’m not looking to replace them anytime soon.
GJB: Dammit Jerry! You’ll see someday. One day, the camel’s back is gonna break, and you’re gonna throw all of that aside. One of these days, Jester.
Both of the Ghosts of Friendmigo Future have gone now, along with the Enemigos. Jerry keeps thinking about Che. About the mask. Matt enters.
MD: Jerry? Everything okay?
Jerry smiles.
JB: Great, Matt. You?
Matt smiles back.
MD: Yeah, me too.
JB: We’re gonna beat the Sons of Cerberus, right?
MD: Of course. They’re bonded by pain and misery, but we’re bonded by Friendmigoship.
JB: And as long as we have that, we’ll reach the top of that mountain one day, right?
MD: Yeah Jerry. We will.
Que Friendmigo hug. The camera fades to black.
December 25th, 2017.
Coronet Theatre, London, England.
5:34 AM.
JB: Hey, Matt! Wakie Wakie!
Using the incredible technology that allowed us to see through Kevin Owens eyes when he got hit with the pie, we can see through Matt’s eyes as they surely but slowly open, which gives us vision of one Jerry Bishop standing over him.
JB: It’s Christmas, Matt!
Matt smirks.
MD: Alright, alright, I’m gettin’ up... get everybody else up and I’ll be at the tree in a minute.
JB: Pronto!
As Jerry runs out of the room, Matt reaches over to grab a walkie talkie next to the bed.
MD: Santa, the present is in the stocking, over.
?: Affirmative, reindeers are on the rooftop, I repeat, reindeers are on the rooftop, over.
MD: Great. Over and out.
Matt turns it off and puts it back before hopping out of bed and heading over to the Christmas tree, where Jerry, Davey, Azrael and TJ are already gathered!
JB: Presents!
The first is for Jerry. He’s holding back tears of joy as he holds up Christmas themed wrestling gear, just like his usual gear but festive.
TJ gets the newest, freshest Friendmigos merch.
Azrael gets 10 gallons of “holy water”. The truth is Dwyer just stuck a picture of his face on all of them.
Davey gets an Alestorm album.
Dwyer gets an electric guitar. It’s sparkly, and has the word Messiah written on it. Dwyer falls in love instantly.
JB: Sorry we couldn’t get the big one, Matt, but we hope y-
MD: It’s perfect, guys. Thanks.
JB: Funny, didn’t see any marked from Santa...
AZR: You are aware that the entity known as Santa Claus is indeed, fic-
MD (trying desperately to cut Azrael off): Hey, I think I hear Santa now!
Funny enough, we suddenly hear thunderous footsteps coming from outside. “The American Lunatic” Davey Jones kicks the door open. He’s dressed in full Santa garb, and carrying a sack of what we can assume to be presents. He lets out a great roar, before setting the presents down underneath the tree. He sets himself down underneath the tree as well.
AL-DJ: Merry Christmas.
JB: Merry Christmas to you too!
MD: Yeah, Merry Christmas, Jonesy!
TJ: Merry Christmas!
AZR: Merry Christmas.
P-DJ: Yargh.
Jerry hands Santa a present. He opens it. Slim Jims. Santa celebrates, and begins to dig into the packet.
Jim Houston comes to see what all the commotion is about. Walking into his office, he sees the Friendmigos and one American Lunatic huddled around a Christmas Tree. Jerry holds up a present labelled “Jim”. He smiles, and sits to join our heroes. The camera fades to black.
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